UNEDITED VERSION:
I stepped in, to a cabin full of people. The aircraft, thankfully, had been held up by five minutes, allowing me the chance to still alight so close to take-off. Typical me, always running late. Now, what price do I have to pay for this? It struck me fairly quickly, as I glanced around looking for a spare seat, my seat, wondering who had shuffled seats in the realisation there was one extra, if they had at all. The only vacant seat I could see, was plonk right in the middle of two women, madly chatting away. I wasn't in the mood for idle talk , let alone any talking on this 2 hour trip. Bummed if I was going to sit in between those two. Positive that I could organise something more suitable, I didn't imagine for one moment that this would be a problem. Boldly I stepped up towards the two women who were leaning eagerly in towards each other, engrossed in conversation and politely said, "Excuse me ladies (they definitely weren't ladies, but I would be courteous in this confined situation), I believe I may be sitting in that empty seat, but may I please have the window or the aisle seat as I am extremely tired and really would like to have a short nap, perhaps. Both women had stopped their talk abruptly, looking at me like I had asked them to sacrifice their lives for me. How bizarre. The one to the right, who was also closest to me in the aisle position, was the first to open her mouth. As she did so, I heard the steward alerting everybody to be seated, belted and prepare for departure. As she opened her mouth and began to speak, I felt like I would be flung to the floor. Her breath was extraordinarily disgusting - a combination of mould, garlic & stale beer. My belly began to rise and lurch at the same time, already for an inevitable explosion of vivid vomit. How do I know it will be vivid?? My lunch today consisted of vegetables, both green, red and yellow all steamed and covered with a bright orange-yellow cumin turmeric curry sauce, you know the one, that one that stains. That was preceded with oysters a la natural topped with caviar & sour cream and of course, garnished with green spring onions. I was on a vegetarian health kick today. Not really, I was just trying to impress my vego friend who ever so kindly invited me to an early lunch to celebrate my ensuing engagement which I will tell you about soon. Ooh, I forgot to mention the red wine, a bold bodied shiraz and a toffee creme caramel loaded with King Island Double Cream, toffee shards and rich caramel sauce. Just the thought of it all, on an empty stomach, would make one's belly blow out, but this particular unfortunate occasion, certainly didn't help matters at all. I didn't care, right at that moment, perhaps if my vomit spewed out it may be a welcoming smell compared with what had just touched my senses.
Oh, luv, I'm sorry but that just can't happen! You see, I have this ticket here, a ticket that says seat 12C, on the aisle. I will also let you know that there is no way I can change seats with you. Firstly, this is the ticket I bought, and this is the number on the ticket. Therefore I must sit in this seat. I have never flown before so I am sticking to all the rules. I might get arrested otherwise! It's scary enough without you asking me to do something illegal. Vomit was rising in my throat, nearly reaching my mouth, incapable of stopping and then, without hesitation, it happened. I spewed all over the revolting smelly woman and quite frankly, didn't care despite my potential deep embarassment in the body of this jet airplane. However, I somehow suspect that anyone else was aware of what had just taken place. A clean and simple spew, I picked up the serviette poking out from the seat pocket, wiped my mouth and proceeded towards the lighted sign advertising the public place where one could relieve themselves or perhaps do other sensual and saucy charades, or otherwise.
Hello, hello, who's that knocking at the door? Need I ask, after all, take off due and no doubt happening, and I shouldn't be in this excuse for a toilet. I'd briefly cleaned up, refreshened and now I was ready to face the world - or the strangers flying high in the air at the exact time as me. I didn't feel intimidated, ashamed or in any way ostricised as I still felt sure that the whole incident had remain unseen. Except for woman no. 2, on the left hand side, but I feel sure she won't be interested in looking at me, talking to me or in any other way having any contact with me whatsoever. Hopefully, I think, as if her attitude is the same as woman on the right, I am going to be stuck between the smelly breathing excuse of a woman and the one on the left, who was yet to uncover her traits, however nice or bad that they may be. Oh glory be, let this trip be quick.
Sensing the urgency of being seated, having been frowned at by yet another steward, I bolted towards MY seat. Surprise, surprise, three seats were vacant. Without hesitation, I virtually leapt into the window seat, realistically relieved that any confrontation may not now occur on account of the situation. But where were they?
STAY TUNED - MORE COMING!
